January 2004
A Proposal to Repeal the Usage of Certain Words from Our Speech.
It has come to my attention that certain words should be expunged from general usage. Kathy Cox, the state school superintendent in Georgia, has proposed that the word “evolution” be removed from the curriculum only to be replaced by the phrase “biological changes over time.” I must wholeheartedly agree. However, so as not to give an unfair advantage to creationists in the Creation vs. Biological Changes Over Time debate, I first would like to argue that we begin to expunge any word that might have been a “buzzword” in the past 400 years or any word that might, in due time, become a buzzword in the future. Mind you, dear readers, I do not discourage the belief in the concepts behind these words, nor do I discourage you from discussing these concepts. What I discourage is the usage of the word itself.
Therefore, I first propose to remove the word “creation.” This should be replaced by “the act of bringing the world into ordered existence.” Therefore, the debate will now be The Act of Bringing the World into Ordered Existence vs. Biological Changes Over Time. From now on, people will no longer be confused about meanings of words, since we will be using their definitions instead. Over time, we will become accustomed to the apparent awkwardness of the new language rules. In fact, the very word language will become “a systematic means of communicating ideas or feelings by the use of conventionalized signs, sounds, gestures, or marks having understood meanings.” Thus from now on, all references to “language” will use the new phraseology.
There are an incredible number of words that would benefit from being removed from our systematic means of communicating ideas or feelings by the use of conventionalized signs, sounds, gestures, or marks having understood meanings. Think of all the times you have asked for clarification regarding a single word, only to be told to “look it up.” No longer will we need to ask these time-consuming clarifications because the definition will have been inserted right into the sentence. We must ensure clarity above all else.
Additionally, we can efface other words that are deemed as painful to many. Thus, no longer will you have to do your taxes every April 15th, but you will be assessing your “charges of money imposed by authority on persons or property for public purposes.” This should ease your mind as you calmly go through your financial records of the previous year. Just think of all the worry you’ve saved yourself by not having to think of your taxes.
There are other words that often cause contention in the public eye. In relation to The Act of Bringing the World into Ordered Existence vs. Biological Changes Over Time debate, there are many who do not like references to God in the public school system. Fear no more! Now, we are erasing mention of “God” in favour of our new terminology: “the Being perfect in power, wisdom, and goodness who is worshiped as creator and ruler of the universe.” How can one be offended by any references to the Being perfect in power, wisdom, and goodness who is worshipped as creator and ruler of the universe?
One might have noticed recently that references to the word “bomb” in public areas are now seen as threatening. How better to ease our troubled minds from terrorists by getting rid of the word bomb? We may now refer to an explosive device fused to detonate under specified conditions, ridding us of the stigma attached to the word “bomb.” This will also apply to slang as well, since we are expunging words completely from the language as a whole. The pretty girl with whom you went out last weekend can no longer be referred to as “da bomb.” She is now “da explosive device fused to detonate under specified conditions.” Fortunately for you, you might be the very thing needed for her “detonation.”
As you can see, our systematic means of communicating ideas or feelings by the use of conventionalized signs, sounds, gestures, or marks having understood meanings will be greatly enhanced by the new usages. We will also be stimulating the economy by republishing all texts including these words. While we will not be forcing anyone to change out their current texts, we will be creating jobs. Additionally, those who latch on to the new phraseologies will insist on immediately running out to purchase these newly edited books.
**My apologies to Merriam-Webster for the shameless usage of their definitions. Also, my apologies to Jonathan Swift, the Godfather of Satire.
29 January 2004
So, last night, Matt decided to do yoga with me. This is a good thing for me because now I don't have to worry about him laughing at me. He has less flexibility and balance than I do! He also got to see first hand that the cats do not recognise yoga as any sort of real activity that should keep them from getting attention. Therefore, they come up and rub on our legs during difficult standing poses, or (in the case of Weasel) they just lay down right on the mat underneath me and go about washing themselves or some such. It's really quite amusing. At any rate, I'm pressing forward with my yoga with the sad hope that I will one day be as flexible as I was in high school!
In other news, I am now on day 6 of my liberation from caffeine. The world is not as happy as I remember it being last week. Perhaps I should take on a new resolution to simply be moderate in my caffeine intake. Then again, I'm not sure that I can consume coffee in moderation.
In other, other news, a discussion in my 18th century lit course about the sad state of our discipline reminded me of this article. To give some perspective before you read, in class on Monday, Dr Brown (and most of the rest of us) were intrigued (and perplexed) at a piece of chalk. It was just plain white chalk, but had a wrapper (like a crayon) announcing that it was "Colorific." Now, how, may I ask, is white chalk colorific? This question, of course, spawned a discussion of how we would be able to write an entire conference paper (that would be well-received, mind you) deconstructing the idea of the colorific white chalk. So, it's taken me a couple of days to get around to digging up the article to share, but it's well-worth the read if you have a sense of humour about the state of the humanities discipline. There is also a Postmodernism Generator out there, although the actual generator is down now. But there are links to some generated essays. Honestly, they sound just as good as some of the stuff I've seen in peer-reviewed journals. Ah well. At this point, I say have some fun!
27 January 2004
I am addicted to these damn quizzes. Like my friend Mike, I suppose apathy is my anti-drug.
Apathy, well I can say your lucky, in some ways.
You see Apathy is no emotion, basically you
don't care. But that does not make you a bad
person. Some of my friends are apathetic and I
love them, but it wouldn't hurt to care a
little more. Trust me life hurts, most people
who are apathetic do it cause they were hurt.
But don't worry, life is pain, its also
pleasure. Good luck. (please vote)
What Emotion Dominates you?
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So, yoga has begun again, this time with a tape. Once again, I am reminded that I am not as flexible as I thought I was... or perhaps I'm just not as flexible as I used to be. After using this, I think that my sister and I have come to the conclusion that we do not need beginner yoga; we need remedial yoga. Ah well, we are pressing on. Sometimes the kitties come rub up against us when we are mid-pose. I think this might be breaking what should be the "meditation" part of yoga, but it is amusing, nonetheless. And didn't someone once say that laughter was the best medicine for the soul or something?
In other news, the Oscar nominations were announced this morning. I am happy to see Lord of the Rings with so many nominations. However, what will matter is whether they can actually win. I will riot in the streets of Atlanta if Peter Jackson does not win Best Director this year. So, if any of you see a news clip about a crazy woman running hither and yon through Midtown, you'll know who it is.
In other, other news, this is my fourth day of being caffeine free. The world is not a brighter place without coffee. In fact, the world is quite dreary without coffee. However, one must always think of one's health, and the IV drip of coffee I had been carrying around with me at all times was beginning to get the best of me.
23 January 2004
You are what you eat:
You're chocolate. You're the old soul type, people
feel that they have known you their entire
life. Many often open up to you for they view
you as thoughtful and trustworthy. Although
people trust you, you have a hard time trusting
them. You prefer to keep your feelings bottled
up inside, or display them very quietly. It is
alright to open up every once in a while.
Which kind of candy are you?
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There was no Yoga for me last night. Blockbuster's lack of any excercise tapes for rent thwarted my attempt. Ah well. I ate steak. Life is good. Tonight is billiards night. Every Friday my friends and I entertain ourselves at a local pool hall. To put this in perspective, I will quote our friend Karl from last week: "It's sad that our best player is Crys, and she refers to herself as the Empress of Suck." We really aren't very good. But we have fun, and that's what really matters to us. I chug down cups and cups of coffee, others drink Long Islands (or in Nessi's case, Sloe Gin Fizzes), and a good time is had by all. But this all boils down to my wonderfully uninteresting life. I do this every Friday. The waitresses (when the place isn't in the middle of major turnaround) all know us, and know what we're going to order. Human beings really are creatures of routine.
Pet peeve of the day: People who call five seconds after sending you an email only to ask if you received said email. Give me time. I will get to it. If it's that urgent, write URGENT in the subject line. Then I will get to it sooner rather than later.
22 January 2004 (continued)
I'm addicted to Quizilla now. At least while I'm work.
I knew it all along:
You will marry Johnny depp. He has a mind of his
own and chooses movies mecause he likes the
idea, not to make money or become a hearthrob.
He will always respect you and stand up for
you. Congrats!!!
Which male celebrity are you going to marry? (10 results that have pics!)
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Also, we cannot be surpised by this either:
Athena
?? Which Of The Greek Gods Are You ??
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Athena is going to marry Johnny Depp. What a concept.
22 January 2004
I've realised that I lead a very uninteresting life. Yesterday, I woke up at about 7am, took a shower, got dressed, and went to work. At 5pm I left work and fought wonderful Atlanta traffic to get to campus for my class. At 7:15pm, I'm sitting in my 18th century lit class, waiting on a professor to show who doesn't show. Everyone in the class leaves and I make my way to my parking deck. I drive over to my sister's apartment so that we can begin Yoga. Let me note here that I consider myself a relatively flexible person. My sister... not so much. But here we are, The Yoga Bible in hand, with a list of progressive poses we want to do. Lesson one: if you can't do the stupid Mountain Pose, then you can't be a tree or a warrior or anything else involving the standing posing. Lesson two: I am not as flexible as I thought I was. Lesson three: I'm not zen enough to stare into infinity. All I see is the wall in front of me. Lesson four: next time, rent a tape. (We are going to do that this afternoon, so I'll let everyone know if we still suck at yoga as much as we did yesterday.)
So, this morning, I get up at 7am, take a shower, get dressed, and go to work. I don't have class tonight, so there is no traffic to worry about. Yay me.
Pet peeve of the day: People who call you before they've finished reading the entire email you've sent them, only to ask stupid questions that they could have answered for themselves had they bothered to read the entire email in front of them.
19 January 2004
Thanks, Nagi for giving me wonderful things to do at work!
Pre-Hyptnotized Peter
What Office Space character are you?
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Another day, another dollar. I look forward to the days of not having to wake up and sit in a cubicle for 8 hours a day / 5 days a week. I'm much more interested in reading Bataille and Dryden and trying to somehow incorporate Swift into everything I see.
I had a summer job once as a telemarketroid for AT&T. I went in one morning after two months of working there, took two phone calls, unceremoniously walked over to my manager and declared that I was going home. I only went back to pick up my last paycheck. I decided later that all corporate jobs deserve their own circle of hell.
16 January 2004
I hate people. That is all.
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